I have a re-occurring dream I think I would consider a nightmare. This is where I’m in the hospital and someone tells me that my mom doesn’t have any more time left and it’s her time to go. In this particular Friday night dream, I was told this about my mom except in the same exact dream, people were ALSO telling me my dad didn’t have any more time left. The thing is, these dreams were actually real at one time and I just keep re-living them!
When my dad was sick and fighting his cancer, there was a day where we were in the hospital and they said that he had about a month to live… and I was like, really? Is this really it? Everything just comes down to this last “month”? All life, all I’ve know, the only dad I’ve know, it’s all coming down to this?
And when my mom was fighting her cancer, we thought she was doing well. In fact, they had told us she had gone into remission! Then they tell us, actually, “there’s a big tumor wrapped around all her internal organs… she’s got a few weeks to a few months to live.” That was April 2009. It all comes down to THIS? Oops, I think actually she has a tumor wrapped around her organs and now we’re down to weeks? We could have really been spending our time differently… out of the hospital, possibly enjoying mountain sides and cooking together, and… THIS?
Luckily I tried to spend every moment I could with my mom… and tried to talk about everything I possibly could with her and really used those last weeks and months to our advantage, as best I could, given what we had: a hospital room, a cot I slept in often, a portable DVD player, a TV, lots of pain reliving drugs my mom could control with the push of a button, a sense of humor and time.
I remember one day when we realized truly what was happening there was an opening for us. I looked at her and I told her, “Mom, I’m going to really miss you…” She held me and we cried together in her hospital bed, her stroking my hair and trying to calm me. I really miss my mother’s hugs and touch… it seemed like no matter how old I got, she would always be able to hold me in a way that was so beautiful and even in her dying days, she was still trying to comfort me.
So… these re-occurring dreams… are they some kind of reminder? Are they here so we can remind ourselves of how we spend our time? No matter how much time you think you have here on earth with the people you love (or how much time you think you’ll be here), how are you spending your time? Happy? Miserable? Depressed? Enjoying yourself? If you’re not happy, what’s stopping you? What do you have control over? How can you change the way you see life so that you can find your daily bliss? Is there a way you can find ways of turning your little nightmares into enjoyable dreams?