I had a 1998 blue VW beetle. It was the most amazing car. My dad bought it for me originally. I had a job when I was 17, so I made payments towards the car as an agreement with my dad. It was half of my paycheck, but I didn’t care. I had a cool car and looking at it every day made me happy. Beautiful. Electric. Blue.
10 years later, I was driving in Brooklyn, hit a pot hole and ruptured the oil pan. The car died and I felt like I did too. I felt like it was my dad dying all over again. There were so many memories associated with this car, I couldn’t believe it until it was time to decide to either fix the car or get rid of it. I felt protected. I felt like my dad was around me. If I don’t have this car, does that mean that he is no longer protecting me? Around me? Will I lose the memory of our bond with this car?
I spent $5,000 to fix it. Crazy, right? I know. I didn’t want to let it go. It died again 6 months later… right when my mom was going through chemo in Philly. I sold it and said good bye… wondering if I would miss the feeling of being “protected” by my dad and how I was going to get to the hospital 2 hours away to see my mom… For a month I rented a car. Cost me $1,000. I was then given this blue 94 Ford Taurus wagon by my uncle for $1. It was amazing, because it meant that I could see my mom and spend time with her and get down to Philly as much as I could.
The night my mom died, I walked back to that wagon in the dark hospital garage after collecting her things, said goodbye and I love you to my uncle, and got into my 94 Taurus wagon. I looked at the clock. It was after 2am… and I just wailed… this was the most alone I had ever felt in my life. I’m sitting in this car, literally hours away from not having parents anymore and I’m going to drive? Where am going? Should I even be driving? (I ended up driving to my friend Katie’s house and told her my mom had just died. She let me sleep at her place, as she always did, which I appreciated on many levels and will forever be grateful for her support during that time.)
This blue car has been my savior but I also remember all the times that I drove down the hospital, that sad moment in my life sitting alone in my car after my mom dying, and carting around her leftover belongings to donation destinations and the like.
Then there was my mom’s black beetle. We all got brand new cars in the same week- me, my dad and my mom. After my mom died, the black VW beetle sat in the driveway of my uncle’s house with flat tires and gathered dirt. I’ve been looking at it for the passed 3 years wondering what I’m going to do with it. Scared to let it go but at the same time wanting so desperately to not worry about it anymore. Wondering if I would want to drive it or if it would also bring bad memories?
I’ve been wanting to buy a new car for a while. Saving up money whenever I could so I could make the purchase…
I think I’m going to move on from these painful memories and buy one of these today:
This car to me says: LIVE!